Rice case brings attention to domestic violence

Note: This column ran in the Pageland Progressive Journal in South Carolina on Sept. 16, 2014.

It’s still not easy to confess, even though I have in front of women audiences only several times before: I was a victim of domestic violence while in college.

And every time, it never failed, a woman would approach me after the program and say how surprised she was that I – the strong, professional woman she saw on the outside – would have put up with that.

She would almost be comforted by the fact that if it could happen to me, someone they saw in the community as a woman who “had it together;” it brought less shame that they were now experiencing it.

And it was that same parallel that gave me the strength to speak out publicly and help others.
I was new in journalism when a local woman returned home to practice law. I was assigned to interview her. She was someone I knew from afar growing up. 

She came from a prominent family. She was beautiful and successful and professional and now a lawyer.

During our interview, she told me that she wanted to focus on domestic violence cases. When I asked why, she said because she, too, had been a victim of it.

To say I was shocked was an understatement. How could this beautiful, confident woman ever be the victim of abuse from the hands of a man? Why couldn’t she or didn’t she just leave after the first hit?

Because it could happen to her – a woman I revered as the epitome of beauty with brains – I somehow felt less embarrassed that it had happened to me.

It was then that I started volunteering with domestic violence organizations, serving on their boards, writing more stories and telling my own.

It’s been a few years since I’ve had to share my story. But the recent news and video of former Baltimore Ravens football player Ray Rice has opened old wounds.

My top concern is not for Rice and his football career. My sympathy is extended to his wife, Janay Palmer. In her statement, released on Instagram, Palmer says she and her husband will continue to show the world what real love is.

I know it sounds ridiculous to us – and it will to her one day. But for now she is living inside the frame and can’t see the entire picture. 

One thing I know for sure and have learned over the years is that real love doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t abuse. And though it may sound cliché, if a man hits you once, he will hit you again.

Trust me, I know it’s hard to leave someone you love, to leave your best friend, to leave your partner. But abuse must be the deal breaker.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injuries to women ages 15 to 44, more common than auto accidents, mugging and cancer combined, according to the U.S. Surgeon General.
The Violence Policy Center ranks South Carolina as No. 2 in the nation in the rate of women murdered by men. And most of those men are either husbands, ex-husbands, common law husbands or boyfriends to the victims.

There are plenty of times that call for a woman to stand by her man, but domestic violence is not one of them. 

Pop singer Rihanna realized that in 2009 after her then boyfriend, singer Chris Brown, assaulted her. She told Oprah Winfrey in a later interview that she went into protective mode of Brown because the rest of the world was beating him up. 

That’s what some women do. We nurture and protect others sometimes to our own detriment. We must learn to love ourselves and allow ourselves to be selfish when it comes to protecting us. I know it may go against how we were raised, but it is survival mode in the way of the world today.

Yes, abusive men do need help. They should seek counseling. But until they are proven to be healed and reprogrammed of that tendency to hit you upside your head and drag you like a ragdoll, your relationship with them is a casualty perhaps never to be revived again.

Women who find themselves in domestic violence situations and can’t leave immediately should develop a plan, which includes packing a bag with important papers, momentos and even evidence of the abuse such as photos; putting money aside; and leaving when your offender least expects it.
For more tips on how and when to leave, visit www.womenslaw.org.

While it can be heartbreaking to leave, it is even more heartbreaking to stay because your self-esteem also takes a major hit.

You never know when his wrath will surge again, so you walk on eggshells, not being fully capable of expressing yourself or being yourself for fear of being attacked.

Leaving at least allows you to see the whole picture from the outside and chances are you will discover it wasn’t a flattering photo after all.