(This post was started on March 16, 2022, and completed on Feb. 22, 2023)
Never before have I paid this much attention to my heart.
It may have something to do with this white box that is attached to my chocolate skin in the center of my chest on today, March 16, 2022.
Hello, my name is Kimberly and I'm wearing a heart monitor.
There was a song a few years ago by Deborah Cox that asks, "How did you get here. Nobody's suppose to be here?" The singer was talking about a man, a lover, who slipped into her heart pass the gatekeeper.
I'm asking the same question, but of this monitor. How did it get here? Ever since my sister died suddenly of a heart attack on Dec. 11, 2011 - the first of my eight siblings to transition - I've been careful about all matters of my heart, meaning holistic care.
A few months after her death, I scheduled an appointment with a cardiologist to see how my heart was doing. He gave me a stress test and said everything looked fine, and recommended that I take a low dose aspirin when I turned 50, which was 10 years away at that time. He told me how to eat heart healthy and sent me on my merry way.
Fast forward 11 years and a few weeks ago. I was on my evening commute home when suddenly, I experienced shortness of breath, light-headedness and heart palpitations. I pulled onto a side street named Southbound. There was a church just a stone's throw away that I had just passed, so I decided to go there because that landmark would make it easier for someone to find me.
I called 911 and the paramedics met me at the church. They did an EKG in the back of the ambulance, which turned out normal, but advised me to go to the hospital anyway. I declined and said I would be careful going home.
The next day, I had two more episodes so I checked myself into the ER at Novant Health Rowan Medical Center in Salisbury. They, too, ran several tests and again, nothing alarming was discovered. I did have a slight irregular heartbeat, but it could have been normal, the attending physician said, since they did not have another test to compare it to.
I decided to make an appointment with my cardiologist - yes, the same one I saw 10 years ago - and he decided I needed to wear a heart monitor. The timing was the worst as it was only a few weeks before my 52nd birthday.
Though I've never worn a heart monitor before, my mom has. And technology has made it more bearable or should I say wearable. The clunky machine has been replaced with a cell phone. And not just any cell phone - sound the alarm - an Android. I'm a Samsung Galaxy kind of girl and defend it all of the time to my friends who are iPhone users. There is something about an iPhone that screams elitist and I'm more of an equalitarian.
But back to my Samsung Galaxy powered heart monitor.
After going to the hospital to get an echocardiogram, I had the nurse to attached the device to my chest. The white small box was conspicuous. I tried wearing clothing to cover the device but since I'm a fan of V-necks, that was nearly impossible.
Each time I felt a flutter, palpitation or heart pounding or racing, I was to note it on the Samsung Galaxy - notice the product placement again that is also conspicuous. I wore the device up until my birthday trip to Destin, Fla. I figured I had input enough data for the doctors to come to a diagnostic conclusion.
On my last full day in Destin, my best friend Patricia and I were at the beach playing volleyball and enjoying the sunshine when she said something to me that resonated. On January 2, my last living brother, Tommy, passed away with lung cancer. He wanted to live. He fought to live. I wanted him to win. God, instead, called him from labor to rest.
Patricia said, "You know, you've never really grieved your brother." I pondered what she said and realized, I had not. I am the primary caregiver of my elderly mother. I commute 3 hours a day back and forth to work. I have a demanding job as a public relations director for a private historically black college. I went straight from the funeral back to my normal routine of handling things the best I could.
My brother was my best supporter in helping me to take care of my mother. He would elder sit and offer me time away to relax, relate and release. He never complained about doing it. He just showed up. I could count on him more than any of my remaining living siblings.
They say, you know the truth when you hear it. When Patricia said those words to me. I heard the truth. In a way, I was disappointed that God did not heal my brother. I never voiced it, but it was a real feeling bottled up inside of me.
That day, on a beach in Destin, Fla., I picked up a handful of sand, told God explicitly how I felt - that I was sort of angry with Him for not healing my brother, but that I accepted His will, though I didn't understand it. I tossed the sand into the sea and whispered a prayer of love and forgiveness and told my brother that I loved him.
I will never forget that day. It was April 3, 2022, my 52nd birthday. And the day I set my heart free from stress, disappointment and heartache.
My heart didn't need a monitor. It needed liberation. It needed permission to grieve. It needed permission to cry. The anxiety attacks were simply alarms to get my attention to the deeper needs of my soul.
I'm happy to report that since that day, I have not had any more anxiety attacks or unexplained heart palpitations.
On that day, God gave me the best birthday gift ever: He gave me back my healthy heart - with a little sand in between my toes to boot.
So, after this read, I closed my eyes and took slow, steady breaths to calm my loud, heavy heart beats, and stop the growing tears. It is something how familiarity comes in the least expected ways. This, my friend, touched my soul. God bless you always.
ReplyDeleteI am grateful to be used by God for such purpose. Thank you!
DeleteEnjoyed this article from one of my favorite Bloggers!
ReplyDeleteWow! "Onyxly Speaking," I continue to be mesmerized by your writings...and you already know that. While reading, I heard your voice overtake my eyes casting words to my brain. Yep, I heard Kim talking to me and it was only at the end of your excerpt that I realized I was smiling the entire time. You write so eloquently and realistically.
ReplyDeleteContinue to live your life on purpose with God's Blessings. I can't wait to get a copy of your book that I spoke to you about years ago. Yep, it is still downloading. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Dr. Bobbie, your enduring support is inspiring to me. I am preparing to write that book. Thank you!
DeleteI too heard your voice. Keep doing what you do and know God is with you. I love you more than you will ever know.
DeleteBeautiful journey
ReplyDeleteI love this. This is so inspirational.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!
DeleteKim I love you ❤️ 💕 and I’m thankful for being your Classmate and friend this story I found myself all the way in tell your testimony Because it’s overcoming for other to see the goodness of the Lord girl you are very inspiring to us all God Bless you and I know you already heal in Jesus Christ Name cause He said it in his words By His Stripes you are Heal !!
ReplyDeleteThank you for such kind words. And yes, I declare my healing in the name of Jesus!
DeleteEnjoyed the reading as always. We all need a heart monitor in the form of a good friend who will speak the words we need to hear and sometimes sound an alarm.
ReplyDeleteYes, indeed. A friend who recognizes what I needed.
DeleteKim this is a wonderful testament for the love you have for your family and how God allows you to use your gifts and talents for His glory. Beautiful job!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the acknowledgement. I do love my family and believe wholeheartedly that charity begins at home.
DeleteI can totally understand where you are coming from. As my dad the Barefoot Prophet would say...Pressure will burst a pipe! Till this day, I have yet to really grieve my dad or my son passing. I still get upset at the fact they are not here. I can speak on either of them when I choose too, but will get an WHOLE ATTITUDE if somebody starts reflecting on either of them. It's kinda like they trying to cut my unhealed womb back open. It don't set right with me. I know I'm not the only one that my dad or son made their mark on in this world....but I get territorial. I tend to change the conversation, give a look (that I'm sure is not pleasing) or I will walk away and dead that convo all together. My Dad was my rock, my dude, my go too....my HEART!!! If God was to bring him back today and I could take his place, I believe in my heart. I would ask God to let him stay. Losing your dad and child 2 months apart is an unexplainable pain. I till this day battle inside my hurt. So thanks for sharing your story Kim.
ReplyDeleteHey lady. I pray you find a way to release so that it won't manifest physically as it did for me. Losing two special people two months apart is hard for anyone to deal with. I will be intentional in my prayers for you.
DeleteI am so thankful to be your best friend and get to experience life journeys whether good or bad with you. Thank God that he used me that day on the beach to help you release . Thanks for sharing your story so that others can heal.
ReplyDeleteMy shero! Thanks for being a true friend and one who recognizes when something is not quite right about it and is comfortable enough to communicate it. God used you that day.
DeleteHey Kim. I love this story. It is very inspiring. Sometimes in some ways your body talks to you and almost diagnosed what's going with yourself. That is so amazing..Keep writing and cousin also keep on being inspiring. God Bless! ❤️❤️Helen Tillman
ReplyDeleteThank you cousin. Love you.
DeleteShe is the G.O.A.T. of writing. I look forward to the NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLER coming soon. The LORD will continue to give you revelations of truth for ordinary people. Love you!!!
ReplyDeleteLove you and from your mouth to God's ears regarding the best seller list. :-)
DeleteKim, the Beautiful lady inside out, Strong, Amazing, Victorious & Chosen by God. Life is interesting a lot of times Iour greatest pains is our Strength. Keep writing Kim & let GOD use You…❤️
ReplyDeleteThank you kindly for those words.
DeleteKim, I have been on and off fb because of some health issues. I saw this before and promised I would get to read it. Just finished virtual church, and decided to read and comment. I’ve always enjoyed reading everything you’ve written. No disappointment here; it was deep, touching and heartfelt. God works in
ReplyDeletemysterious ways, and the catalyst was your friend, Patricia! Thank God for friends in you life who care, think and wonder about a situation you’re dealing with. So glad your issue was resolved because of everyone involved.
Losing Tommie was hard I’m sure. I remember a video that was shared about him dealing with a crisis, and he mentioned the first person to show up was you. Thank God for your relationship with him.
After losing my youngest grandson so tragically in January 2018, I was so hurt and I still am. I never told God how I felt. I was angry, but never spoke and said I was angry with God because he was only 16, a good kid, and all around me hearing about other young kids taking lives or doing things that were not right; why my grandson!!
I truly enjoyed your blog and appreciate you sharing! Continue to live your best life as I’m sure you will!! ❤️❤️
I didn’t plan on posting anonymously, but I hit post too quick. The post is from me, Berlena!!
DeleteBerlena, thank you for supporting my writing. Many of us can relate to how you feel about losing your grandson. We don't always understand God's will and it does anger us when bad things happen to good people. Healing is a process. Take your time. Just be sure to keep holding onto God's hands in the process. Love you!
DeleteSuch a Beautiful Soul! Kim, I feel your heart beating through your eloquent and inspirational words of truth! You are Purpose Driven and God's Beautiful Creation! Keep touching lives in such a Positive way... With Every Beat of Your Sweet Heart! I love you❣️😘
ReplyDelete